Decision

I really have no idea what's on my mind right now. I feel lost, unwanted. I really don't want to let go of him. Why is my life like this?at this state?

Maybe i'm just being paranoid.

It was really happy meeting you, hanging out with you having those laughter. Seeing you smile make me smile too.

Had so much memories that i can't forget. I know these days we hardly met because of our time schedule. It really doesn't match.It crashes. I really want to see you so badly even right now even if we are in an awkward situation right now i just wanna see you. I really miss your face and your smile.

No one can heal the scare in my heart. It was really upsetting these days. Kept tearing at night, over-thinking.

When i say i wanna move on i really can't. Now and that you have asked me to forget and give up, i really feel like breaking down. My heart broke into million pieces, it can't be fix back even with the stickiest glue in the world. I really need someone's shoulders to lean on, talk to. On the outside i may be fine, but deep inside it feels really really bad. You know i really can't give up on you that easily right for the past 1 year and so. 

^

This totally shows how we are behaving for the past few weeks. We can't be together because of some reasons. Even if we are together we don't even have the time to meet.

How can i be happy without him?

Anyway this is a song that makes me reflect, made our memories came back

I really wan to lay on bed the whole day and die down there right now. I'm not being attention seeking. I feel really bad right no. It seems like i would have to cry to sleep tonight again. After receiving his message, tears started to drop.

                                    

Hurt by Christina Aguilera

The voice within by Christina Aguilera

To Be Honest, I really miss him alot 

Miserable

Who likes to be hurt most of the time? In the past , now? I've gotten alot of hurt from people whom i love and by the people close to me.

I always think why happen to me? At this point of time. Maybe its karma? Never thought a miserable day would happen to me at this point of time

Im afraid of losing people whom i love most and friends who are close to me. But are they afraid of losing you? Are you thag important to them? Maybe your just a replacement to them. A toy for them to entertain when their bored, when their being entertained by others, they just throw your aside and doesn't even care how you felt. 

Im sorry for having these attitudes.

Most of the time i think that people doesn't like me because im fat, not skinny enough for him. Maybe being fat might lose his face for finding such a fat girlfriend/crush

I tried losing weight until 40-45kg and i'm still trying to lose. 

Who doesn't want a perfect relationship like them? 

Cuddling at the beach? 

Having so much happiness. 

Yesterday was the most most miserable day i ever encounter. I don't want talk much about it. It really made me so emotional. Stonning on my bed, looking at the picture. Anyway, tbh, they look like couple when they stand together. Well, its good to help their friends when they are in need of help, i can't blame him or ask him to not care about his friends, it's his freedom i can't control because his just a friend to me. Not as if his my boyfriend or what so ever. I just can't deny that fact. Maybe i'm not mature enough to think. Whenever he says sorry to me, it makes me even more upset, hurtful, made me think about our past. This feeling really sucks. Heartbroken

I was upset, crying to sleep silently. I was tell myself, why being so upset about these stuff at his age? Its not worth. Chatting with my guy best friend and he seem to care, understand how i felt, say things that made me smile within minutes. Its good to have him as friend, when i'm sad he doesnt just say 'aiya dont need care.' 'Its okay la' , 'dun need sad cheer up okay?' LIKE HELLO? HOW ARE THESE WORDS GONNA CALM ME DOWN AND CHEER ME UP? He sends me really sweet and cheerful messages. :')

I can't seem to not care because its really hard. I tried many times to let go of these hurtful feelings that have happened to me. It wasn't easy, it really takes time and effort . 

Maybe i should really give up, forget about everything. Focus on my studies get good results and earn a living. 

Its really upsetting to remember all the past when you have already moved on. At a point of time, memories comes back; flashback. I'm completely moodless righy now,lying on my bed, don't even have the appetite to eat a single thing. I really hope i could move on and find someone that would make me happy. (If i could move on)

Confuse

Its been a long time since i updated my blog! Today i just felt like typing out how i felt these days. 

A few days ago, i felt stress and upset. Nobody understood how i felt, even when i talked to someone close to me he doesnt understand how i felt until i met Zesh. He understood how i felt, cheered me up, made my day. 

He sent me sweet text and 'long' text to cheer me up. Make me smile and think positive. We have some things in common like our favourite food 😂. 

On the 2nd day, i think, we otp (on the phone) for about 1h? We had so much laughter and making a fool out of ourselves HAHAHAHHA. He thought me how to be happy even when sad things come across.

When im upset i tend to eat salmon or eat ice cream to calm myself and release stress. I might also cry to sleep when i cant tolerate sadness.

You people may think that i talk to many guys but that doesn't mean i'm a flirt or what so ever. Im just being friendly and making more friends. Even if i talk to many guys, that doesn't mean i have to fall for them. I take them as friend/brother/besties. I'm not a girl thag would fall for guys easily, not like met once or twice than fall in love. I look for their personality and the way they treat me. So what if they sweet text you? Send you those heart shape emoji n stuff? I bet many people who have a soft heart would fall for this type of guys easily. We have to learn not to fall for people easily, keep change crush isn't something nice. That shows that we can't decide who we really like. Its just a temporary feeling, after a while it'll be GONE.Doesn't mean that when they confess to you, you have to accept them or fall for them. 

Usually people fall for them because of looks than the way they talk. Don't you agree? Have you ever felt that when you saw a handsome/pretty guy or girl your heart will pump faster? It ever happen to me but now not anymore. I started to think, so what if their handsome? Do they  have a good personality? Loyal and faithful? 

Anyway finding such handsome/pretty girlfriend/boyfriend what for? Always have bees flying all around. Its not easy keeping them by your side. 

Until now, i have a crush on this guy for a year ++. I confessed but things didn't turn out how i wanted it to be because at that time, he had a girlfriend. Even if he have a girlfriend in future, i would congratulate them. There was once i told myself to give up. But it failed, i really cant forget or not care about him. I fell for him because of his personality and the way he takes care of me when im sick.A few weeks before, he suddenly sent me a long text about his feelings towards me and i was shock. Miracle happen and i was really overwhelmed by what he sent me. That was the longest text i have received from him followed by my bdae text by him (2nd longest). Well, things between us is now so complicated. We drifted quite abit because of his work and i have to go to school. Out timing crashes, because he starts work at 6pm and ends at 3am. When i wake up for school, he would be sleeping. When he wakes up around the evening, i'll be busy with homework. We didn't chat as much as before. Maybe one day we might stop chatting because we rarely had any topics to talk about and we didn't met for so long, maybe about a month or so? I remember there was once in 2013, we met 4 days straight during my end of year exams because i end early and we could meet up for lunch :). Really miss those times. Especially going to East Coast Park. That was the most memorable day for me. 

Things now are so complicated. Having family problems. I really hate it when people insult me or my friends. I tend to get angry. I doubt you wouldn't like it id someone insult or critisize your friends right? Inside me i was really filled with ANGER. But on the outside i may stay calm because i dont want to start a fight.

Have you ever thought that when you aren't in the wrong, being accused by your parents and you tried explaining but they are always saying its an excuse? Seriously, i can't tolerate it anymore.

If this keeps on i really will explode. 

Sometimes the words they say really hurt me. What can i do? Cry? I kept quite all the way or maybe stay in my room the whole day rotting inside or doing my own stuff.

Think what you wanna say before saying it out then hurt people. 

They may crack jokes but some jokes aren't meant to me joked. Some people are different, they may/may not like the way you joke stuff so be cautious of what you say.

 

Anyway 2014, started awfully for me. I bet i will have much happiness these year . This year is my unlucky year i guess. Many problems and complicated stuff. Hope all the unhappiness would be gone and never come back. And hope 2014 would end off really nice for me ;).